…And Then You Die
 

It is well known throughout history and nearly universally   feared,  Death is one of our  oldest one-name superstars.

Like many celebrities, he claims to have been long misunderstood He agreed to our interview in part hoping to set the record straight. My reporter and also pal of mine,(the late) Steve Bvtabi, discovered  Death's views on life, the Media, religion, taxes and even some of his secret wishes.

Steve:  What should I call you, 'Death,' 'Grim Reaper,' 'Dr. Doom,' or what?           Death:  You bring up a good point, I've been called many  things, but my full title is now            nearly             nearly forgotten. My  given name is "The Angel of Death." My friends call me "Angie."                        You may call me  "Death".

        Death:  Personally, I have my good days and bad just like everyone else. Just because I'm
                      Death doesn't mean I don't get depressed too!
 

          Steve:  What things get you down?

       Death:  Oh, lots of stuff. Wars ending. People quitting smoking. Things like seat belts and safety
                      helmets really give me a pain. I think the worst day of all was when science discovered
                      antibiotics. It can be pretty frustrating to realize that there’s never a light at the end of
                      the tunnel. No matter how well I do my job, new life just keeps springing up all over the
                      place. Oh, I admit I’ve had  my successes, the Dinosaurs, Neanderthal Man, the Dodo,
                      some others. There’s currently some exciting developments going on in the rainforests.
                      But its a rare day that I make any real headway.
 

           Steve:  Can you settle a little bet I have going?  Which is more certain, Death or Taxes?

        Death:  Taxes, by far. Think about it, you get taxed your entire life and then long after you're gone,
                       the government taxes your estate. Hell, most people who get audited say they would
                       rather die! For sheer pervasiveness, I can't even begin to compete.
 

           Steve:  Do you ever feel bad about doing your work?

           Death:   One of my first assignments, right out of school, was to take out my own dog. (getting
                        teary-eyed)
                       He was my best  friend. You get used to it though. Most of the time it's just a job.
                       Naturally, I always dislike having to remove people I admire. Man, I hated having to do in
                       Hitler.
 

           Steve:  There's a growing trend where people are taking matters into their own hands at the end
                       of their lives. What do you think about Dr.Kevorkian and euthanasia?

           Death:  That social climbing son of a bitch! Who the hell does he think he is anyway?
                       Watching the man work is so painful! Poison, always poison. He's got the  imagination
                       of a God damn gnat, I swear!.A total amateur! Besides which, what is he, about 500
                       fucking years old? He should remember the old adage: "Physician, heal thyself!"
                       Its a good thing they’re putting him  away.....
 

           Steve:  Do you think he's interfering with God's plans?

           Death:  God's plans? He's interfering with MY fucking  plans!
 

           Steve:   Speaking of God, certain  people say 'God is dead.' Do you know
                      anything about that?

           Death:  I don't know what happened to God, though I do  realize He hasn't been seen for quite some
                       time. (Fidgeting…)
                      But you can't pin that one on me... Nobody told me you'd ask about this. Hey, I would
                      never kill God, God was a friend of mine! Look, without Him there wouldn't be all these
                      life forms for me to tend to.
 

         Steve: Do you think you've gotten a bad rap in the Media?

          Death:  The way those fucking jerks slant everything is bullshit! All they ever do is report about
                     all the "famous beloved people" that I've removed. Take Cobain as example( pssst..I hate
                     Nirvana!). Hell everybody forgot that he even existed until I put his name back in the news.
                     They never mention the thousands of people nobody gives a shit about that I deal with every
                     week!
                      That kind of selective coverage is just plain unfair and is designed to make everyone turn
                      against me! The Media isn’t happy unless they are destroying you! If the world knew
                      about all the little pip-squeak assholes I dispose of every day, they might look more
                      kindly on me! But that’s not “News.
 

            Steve:  If you hadn't taken the job as Death, what do you think you would have done?

        Death: I've always wanted to be a farmer. Plants are so much friendlier than animals, and besides,
                      I think I would be good at  making things grow."
 

           Steve:  Thank you Death, for agreeing to talk to us.

           Death:  My pleasure. By the way, I have something for you....

           Steve: Aahhhkkkk!!!!!!
 

Special Column.....one more time for the sake of  this comin' heloween............

 

Ask Death:

                Dear Death,

               What is your opinion at the so-called coming of the
        year 2000 apocalypse? If it does happen will the world end all
        at once or do you think it will be a wave  that spreads across
        the  globe? If it does start of as a  wave, where do you think
        it has a better chance of doing:
              1. Killing of the Damn  Canadians
              2. or will it start with a country whose got the highest
                 number of blond citizens?

        And if the  apocalypse does come will it  make you happy to
        know that  your work is complete or will it make you sad that
        you couldn’t kill all the bastards off slowly. Also I read that
        you liked plants, so if the apocalypse comes to earth will you
        be sad to see all the plants die or will your mood be more like
       'Screw the plants I can do what ever I want now'?
 

       Sincerely (or maybe not so sincerely),
                  Magsub,
           Coloardo, the States

  P.S.: please respond before year  2000 so I can know if I'm
        going to die ahead of time.

  Magsub,

       It is against our policy to give ANYONE a warning about the time of their death. It really   ruins the surprise element  and takes a lot of the fun out  of it.

      One of the first things all  my employees learn is that giving out ANY information of  this nature is grounds for  immediate dismissal.

    As far as the Y2K thing goes, every day the World’s computers are being run by a bunch of ignorant humans inside hopelessly clue less corporations and government agencies. If that alone hasn’t  caused a global catastrophe,the year 2000 won’t either.

Your Pal,
Death.....

P.S., Yes, the plants are starting to piss me off too.....

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